“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”