Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
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My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.