6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
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Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Every damn time
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over