I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.