STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.