Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
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[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Cat.
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10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.