Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
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Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines