Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
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I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.