[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
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lol
just witnessed a drug deal
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I wish I were this cool 😂
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?