*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
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My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.