what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
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Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought