Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
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Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.