ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
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GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I have no passwords left in me
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”