Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner