You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
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Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.