Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
some things should go without saying
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I needed a laugh this morning.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family