We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
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Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
(by @ZachWeiner )
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
What
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.