My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
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My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
kevin is now a local weatherman
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.