[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
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me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Breaking news:
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
selfie game