Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
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If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Bless you
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”