Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
who wants to go expliring
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.