I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
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Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
We’ve all been there…
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack