[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Spring of Deception
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”