I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”