Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
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People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Happy Thanksgiving
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.