People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny