Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
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[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.