Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
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My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
*pronounces fake like saké*
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.