I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
bought wrong eggs
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*