God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying