Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
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Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Danger is very dangerous
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”