[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Just this preview of the story is enough
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Well well well…
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.