AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
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imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.