AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Hot Hot Hot
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.