My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
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Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.