The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
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My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
When I laugh on my period
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I love art.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.