Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
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Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.