wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?