I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
You Might Also Like
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.