Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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From Facebook just now…
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points