First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
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I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying