me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
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masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.