@lisaxy424

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

You Might Also Like

@DrakeGatsby

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

@ThisLocalHater

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

@roxiqt

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

@capnwatsisname

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

@TheRobCee

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

@XplodingUnicorn

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

@my_minivan_life

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.