I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
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How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I need to get some bricks…
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?