Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
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I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account