My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
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I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.