[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.