you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.