[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn