Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.