We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
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🤣dope
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Cool shirt 🙂
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?