How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
You Might Also Like
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house