Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
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You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person