if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
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Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
british sex workers really pound for pound
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.