If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
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Favourite diary entry ever
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”